Edge of Light
To Carry and be Carried
The Third Time
Anagrams
Nymphal
Formica
The Family
The Upper Canyon
Bluebirds
Traveling in the Desert
Waterfall
Lot Lines
Tunnel
A Director
Pahn Ku Eeantha
Friend
Wisteria
In a Group of People
Djuturna Fades
Sheaves
Thanksgiving Eve
East of California
All knowing it All
Boundary
I and She
Athehna's Place
Saturday Morning
.
Edge of Light
.
A gravel fenced road
skirts
the abandoned sheds
of chickens
or horses
farm tools
blacksmiths
corners of un-remember-able
storage--
a short dry slope
through the quiet
of elsewhere ranchers
on a sliver
of access
between the private lands
He comes to the bridge
at the corporate ownership
where he is disallowed
but without wrath
Disobeying
knowing that he is no liability
Pahn follows the boggy river
in its small
and grassy valley
its clear water
brought near
and away again
with its meanders
A man with dark freckled skin
joins him
in a hunters cap
with a radio
and a long thin gate
reassuring Pahn
with his hermit similarity
and distant feeling like all people
on the fringes of their own society
who find a comfortable place
on the edge of habitation
where they can raise a family
and still escape
into the wilderness
into that
wild order
where relationships
between plants
animals
rocks
and water are
too complex to separate
in a mind
too extensive to recall
in detail
but if left alone
to walk with thought
fall together
in the most inevitable way
skirts
the abandoned sheds
of chickens
or horses
farm tools
blacksmiths
corners of un-remember-able
storage--
a short dry slope
through the quiet
of elsewhere ranchers
on a sliver
of access
between the private lands
He comes to the bridge
at the corporate ownership
where he is disallowed
but without wrath
Disobeying
knowing that he is no liability
Pahn follows the boggy river
in its small
and grassy valley
its clear water
brought near
and away again
with its meanders
A man with dark freckled skin
joins him
in a hunters cap
with a radio
and a long thin gate
reassuring Pahn
with his hermit similarity
and distant feeling like all people
on the fringes of their own society
who find a comfortable place
on the edge of habitation
where they can raise a family
and still escape
into the wilderness
into that
wild order
where relationships
between plants
animals
rocks
and water are
too complex to separate
in a mind
too extensive to recall
in detail
but if left alone
to walk with thought
fall together
in the most inevitable way
.
.
To Carry and Be Carried
Upstairs
Pahn is a man
but when
it is time to go downstairs
he is a woman
young
tall
strong
good looking
confident
excited
There is another woman
in front of him
who is afraid to descend
Pahn says that he/she is not afraid
but starting
down the spiral staircase
without a railing
looking down
he/she can’t see
and has to feel his/her way
with his/her feet
Part way down
he/she steps on a pen
trying to push it aside
without losing his/her balance
He
has a great respect for pens
but
is afraid to bend down
to
pick it up
Almost to the bottom
there is a rope swing
which
he/she playfully grabs
arcing
through the room
guiding
the flight
toward
the instructor
hoping
to be able
to land in his arms
The instructor is too far away
but once on the ground
He picks Pahn up
and carries her/him around
her/his arms slung
on his neck
Pahn is surprised
at
how good it feels
to be a woman
being carried
how much
like sunlight
his/her arms feel
how weightless
and carefree
The instructor is short
stout
red faced
and self assured
He puts Pahn down
and Pahn picks him up
carrying him like a baby
showing off
his/her feminine strength
The instructor leans his face toward Pahn’s
to kiss
But Pahn doesn’t like his face
for kissing
Pahn has
never felt this way as a man
needing to hold but not wanting to kiss
Pahn pulls back from him
just as their lips touch
and sets him down
The instructor is annoyed
Pahn feels guilty
So Pahn sits down
disappointed
still
wanting holding
picking up his son Daphnis
because he/she knows
his/her arms are always accepted
by Daphnis
and Daphnis will sit comfortably
in
Pahn’s lap
and if he wants to kiss
Pahn
doesn’t mind
because Daphnis’ face
will always be beautiful
…
Pahn is a man again
at a picnic
with his children
He is playing with a woman
talking
and laughing
He goes to the stands
gathering filets
of salmon and halibut
and goes
with the woman to eat
sitting
on her family’s blanket
But as he begins to converse
he realizes
that he can’t sit with them
because
his own family
has
its own blanket
and his children
can’t eat
by themselves
and he doesn’t belong there
Aiks speaks to him
through
the air
from
home
as if she were talking
on
the phone
She wants him
to come home—
he can’t say no
Packing their things
telling the kids
it is time to go
he is thinking
of the fish
and the three hour drive—
how it will
be warm
and wasted—
thinking of ice
The Third Time
.
It is hard to remember now
but he came
three times
out of a house
with rafters
and three times
he walked down
a gravel road
The first time
I don’t remember
but it wasn’t right
The second time
I remember only
that Junipera was there
and ignoring him
The third time
Junipera followed him
into a house
and Pahn sat
perched on the edge
of a bathtub
drawing the curtain
behind him wondering
if she would come in
to him
And when he turned around
she was smiling
and when he looked down
they were floating
in a soft matrix
of dots
fluff
and plasma
her
hands on his knees
pushing onto him
…
Out on that same road
there is a man
with a head like an idea
and a rectangular body
of glass
with contentment
and orgasm
bubbling inside
a thick
clear
liquid
like oil
or conditioner
And Pahn is bent
grandly over maps
of the Sierra foothills
with pine smoke
seeing this idea-
headed man on the paper
in ink
with lines
leading into him
like roads
to a town
.
but he came
three times
out of a house
with rafters
and three times
he walked down
a gravel road
The first time
I don’t remember
but it wasn’t right
The second time
I remember only
that Junipera was there
and ignoring him
The third time
Junipera followed him
into a house
and Pahn sat
perched on the edge
of a bathtub
drawing the curtain
behind him wondering
if she would come in
to him
And when he turned around
she was smiling
and when he looked down
they were floating
in a soft matrix
of dots
fluff
and plasma
her
hands on his knees
pushing onto him
…
Out on that same road
there is a man
with a head like an idea
and a rectangular body
of glass
with contentment
and orgasm
bubbling inside
a thick
clear
liquid
like oil
or conditioner
And Pahn is bent
grandly over maps
of the Sierra foothills
with pine smoke
seeing this idea-
headed man on the paper
in ink
with lines
leading into him
like roads
to a town
.
asking who it could be
and knowing suddenly
it is Tuolumne
and knowing suddenly
it is Tuolumne
.
.
Anagrams
Baudahilia and Bormahna
come walking
a stimulus
Baudahilia gives to Pahn
a scrambled word
Bormahna looks in Pahn’s eyes
in her questioning way
Baudahilia turns to leave
without unscrambling
Pahn can’t figure out
the word she gave
…
At Lake Tahoe
in the snow
Pahn comes to a counter
the kind of place
where skates
would be
rented
but
he has come
to get dressed
is the clerk
helping
people
with
their clothes
Pahn sees her doubt
leading to distraction
He sees her trust
open to betray
She doesn’t want this job
She is
being funny
She is worried
depressed underneath
There are things
she can’t figure out
are behind Pahn
He
can’t decide what to wear
Going behind the counter
to a stall
rummaging around his clothes
in a bag on the floor
like
an anagram
he finds a pair of jeans
The stall has no door
Rakhehla’s supervisor
is standing near
A female customer
is looking in
Pahn feels
that he shouldn’t undress
in front of these people
but he slips off his shorts
and changes anyway
Rakhehla
needs his help
She needs
to talk to
him
She has
been fired
She missed too many days
She was too scattered
Pahn feels guilty
thinking
he distracted her further
She is talking to her boss—
Charlie Rose
Pahn is
uncertain now
what it is that Rakhehla does here
She
suggests
that she is
good at filling in
She
wants a job
filling in
for others
Charlie
says
“Yes
you are
good at filling in”
and he
says
“You can have the job”
…
Pahn and his family
are
driving around a town that is a cross between
his
childhood and Lake Tahoe
with
damp coastal air
They stop at various stores
but never find
what they are looking for
…
Pahn is at work
with a woman
like a
therapist for someone else
gray
and rounded
gnome-like
she calls Pahn
“Jonathon”
but before he can explain who he is
the fire alarm sounds
He goes
outside with the gray woman
to where
a crowd of co-workers has gathered
They find
Jehmz
Jehmz is looking to the West
and soon
everyone
is pointing
to a grassy hill
partly obscured by trees
where there is
an old
but well kept house
with smoke
coming from its chimney
muffled explosions
coughing fumes
Pahn sees now
that it has become a large factory
made of tan brick
He is thinking it must be
a dream
because
one building
can’t
change
into
another
but
this
can’t be a dream
because
he
is at work
and work is of the real world
imploding
professionally
demolished
though everyone is cheering
Aiks
who has appeared behind them
expresses sadness
and loss
Pahn doesn’t share her feelings of loss
because the building
though it was old
wasn’t very pretty
and no
longer had a use
Going back a different way
Pahn parts company
with the gray woman
finally telling her his real name—
Their meeting
he thinks
has not gone well
It was mixed up
and interrupted
like letters of a word
interposed
and
separated
…
Pahn enters an unfamiliar university
with
anticipation
exploring
through a double door
into an auditorium
in the back
there is a class
behind a curtain
emanating the sounds of dance instruction
He has a sense that Rakhehla is there
and walks back to see
The
building is large
and empty
like the factory
that was demolished
It is the kind of place
that Rakhehla
would be drawn to
At the back
the class begins
and Pahn is not wanted
He turns to go
but the room has filled
with
basketball players
shooting
hoops
Pahn doesn’t want to disturb their game
He knows there must be a back passage
and goes
through many doors searching
At some point
he is at
the top of a stair that ends in a cubby
and there
he opens a vent
that blows cool
fresh air
but there is no way out
so in the end
he walks
through the hall
carrying a beach ball
without
looking
to
see if anyone notices
or disapproves
of his
presence
or his
stance…
…He is in the mess
walking past the counters of food
and tables of students
He finds Daphnis
sitting with a friend
doing an assignment
The second problem
he
has solved—
making a word from the letters in
“aardvark”
and
“Alligator”
but the first problem
involves
“parakeet”
and
“hippopotamus”
and he can’t figure it out
Pahn realizes as he watches Daphnis
that he wants to know
where Rakhehla is
and how she is doing
and he can’t concentrate
at a loss
on his son’s problem
and the
best he can come up with
is
“CLESE MES S”
That can’t
be right
this confusion
this guilt
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