The Appearance of Junipera

Wandering about     Mutable U.

Which seems like Santa Cruz

Pahn finds himself being chased by two teenagers

across        the ravine

                        up through the forest

                        out of the coastal range

those local hills

he trespassed so much

in his youth

                                                into the Range of Light

                                        and deep snow

                        amused by his sudden need

                for a dogsled

He thinks they will catch him

slowed by the snow

He thinks they will not       because

they don’t really need to

                       and its cold and hard going for them

But as he climbs       he realizes

                that he has dreamed this wrong—

between the Santa Cruz Mountains

                        and the Sierra Nevada

there is a valley

                               and     he has not crossed this valley

So he has to start again                                                                                                        

looking back over                                        

the Sierran forests             

he sees Ben Lomond Mt.                            

and the afternoon ocean

behind it

and his sight zooms in                                  

to see himself standing there

                       Again he is ascending

                             through the mixed conifers

                                                and future cabins

                                 the snow having melted

                                    the air thick with June

                        and coming to the crest

                                                            of a hill

                              he finds the ideal meadow

and comments to Aiks

                        who isn’t there

“This is the place”

                        But it is probably already taken

                        And he doesn’t have time to stop…

…He is near that section of town                                                               

                        Portland/Santa Cruz

with its large wild park                                                         

and old mansion                                                           

that he dreamed                                  

with his wife/sister                                

fifteen years before…         

…and now he is walking                                                                                

where his grandfather Zeyeuss lived

                        Santa Barbara

in the same wet dusk                                        

on the same degree of slope                        

with the same sense of era                             

looking out over                                                                

   Ben Lomond Mountain again                        

at the fog    finally              

overcoming its summit

                        after months of dry wind

And into this gray mist walks Junipera                                                          

with her fine      fairy features

and her doubtful manner                                    

   doing her best                                         

to understand  

     and convey ideas               

in conversation

                        conversation now lost

 Pahn smiles his twenty-years-                                                  

                 older smile

feels a little guilty                                       

and walks away               

  into the building           

     at Mutable U. again          

    scuttling through            

        short corridors         

with many doors

                        leading to identical corridors

                        with identical doors

Amused                                  

that his dream is doing this to him

    he wonders with some hopeful

                        anticipation

where he will come out

but he never does

Looking for Nests

.

With Aiks and Eeunks
sojourning
the East Side     of the Range of Light

they come to a warm well
                        in a crowd of people

The water is being heated
in blue
                                                     fifty-gallon... drums
and the hikers soak             over fires

They are naked and relaxed
                           and they’ve paid for it

Pahn envies them
to be unstressed
                                                        in exposed
                                                                         and human
                                  congregation

But he is looking
for a spring of his own
that comes from the earth
through its own flowing
that needs no payment
that is warm
                                             by its nature

…

Egairia/Er-Illith
walks
in these mountain                             gardens

She looms in the woods                                                           
                                                 the sources of           water—

And Junipera appears            here    and there
sprighting about
                                                              as if pointing out possibilities
as Pahn walks the paths


looking for a perfection
                                                      Like Aiks

He finds homeless nests
                                                                in the vegetation
some depressed in the gravel     between    the plants
some carved out    with shears    others
bent twigs
                                                       where someone has lain

Hopeful
                                                        and doubtful
Junipera stands beside him            looking

…

At lunch
Pahn is a patchwork of nudity    standing

aroused
 
                                                             embarrassed
                                                              in front of his peers feeling
the inevitability of it

The forces of popular lunch    push
                                                            him    against Junipera
as he wonders     what she’ll say
of his erection      She is
                                                            unbothered
                                                               uninterested

…He awakens
                                   to a warm morning
the kind of clouds
variable
slightly unstable
                   on the fringes
                          of low pressure—
a chance of a shower

.

.

Along the Russian River

Finding it difficult

............ to get from one beach

to another

Pahn gets out his maps

planning a path

They will need a place to park

            but the place where Pahn started

                                                Junipera says

has been closed

Not discouraged     

     ................. they discuss                       

          ............... what the public agencies

 ................. might let them do

Pahn would like to allow more access

to the still water

the murky pools

the clear riffles

                    where the fish swim

He is considering a route

to the ocean

         a trail......................      

in his mind

down the river 

.........................and along the rocky surf

                        .................................................and pocket gravels

                            to the cliffs of Charro’s daughter

           where the private lands               

block his way

Pahn walks into the social realm

to ask permission

for his path

   meeting a musician          

who wants him to sing

The songs the musician chooses

                               obscure classical sonnets

                        in Latin

are too difficult for Pahn

and he tells him so…

…Now                                                           

Pahn feels the need for a drain

and there are drains here

but they are broken

                                    and the only person who could fix one

                   is on vacation

…

Walking through town

            there are many potholes

                                                in the words

                    but he can’t repair asphalt

His red-headed companion says

there is a new boy in town

who is the only one

           who can mend asphalt

Pahn finds him                         

in front of his mother’s store

where he has paved well

to attract business

           to their new enterprise

.

. 

The Third Time

.

It is hard to remember now
but he came
three times
out of a house
with rafters

and three times
he walked down
a gravel road

The first time
I don’t remember
but it wasn’t right

The second time
I remember only
that Junipera was there
and ignoring him

The third time
Junipera followed him
into a house
and Pahn sat
perched on the edge
of a bathtub
drawing the curtain
behind him wondering
if she would come in
to him

And when he turned around
she was smiling
and when he looked down
they were floating
in a soft matrix
of dots
fluff
and plasma
her
hands on his knees
pushing onto him
…

Out on that same road
there is a man
with a head like an idea
and a rectangular body
of glass
with contentment
and orgasm
bubbling inside
a thick
clear
liquid
like oil
or conditioner

And Pahn is bent
grandly over maps
of the Sierra foothills
with pine smoke
seeing this idea-
headed man on the paper
in ink
with lines
leading into him
like roads
to a town
.

asking who it could be
and knowing suddenly

it is Tuolumne

.

.

The Levels of Intimacy

.

Sitting at a table in a playground
with Egairia drawing
Pahn is speaking over her mirth of
the four levels of intimacy
which
in her are visible like stairs of chalk figures
on a flat surface that Pahn can scan
but not hold or incorporate

He tells her
there is another woman (Athehna)
who shares her name and with whom
he has reached the second level

he sees Athehna
In his mind distorted
nearby

her thin gray hair
curls around her ears
and she is looking away
closed now
and unhappy

Egairia laughs
And looks at his eyes
rising
and going
to her distant work

................................................He tries hard to remember what she said

......................................................................................He knows
.....................................................................................he can’t
.........................................................................................open her head now

.
…

He is on a bridge
....................................................suspended
...................................................high
...................................................above
a wide ........deep river ....of Oregon

working
laying olives and salsa
on each tread

pulses of fear
..................................................vertigo
coming into his body of falling
from this conscious
span where love
may walk
and the limbs are industrious

He is afraid of losing them
because he needs their presences

…

Walking naked

through a rainy night
out of the forest
by the river
past a shelter for travelers
to a road built on a shelf between
the stages of a waterfall

........................................................He has been alone in the water already
....................................................... and is frightened
......................................................... of it

............................................................ When he was young
for a time
............................................................ he wouldn’t let anyone
see his goatish skin

........................................................... he didn’t want
.......................................................... to be touched

............................................................ and he became afraid of people
but all the while he had fantasies
............................................................ of being nude among mortal women

Looking down
there is another fall
but climbing to it he sees
that the great river of Oregon
has dried and shrunken into a semi-rural yard
oak and eucalyptus of a young California

…

In another moment
in the presence of worker friends

the stream has overwhelmed
a bridge

A car is navigating
the flooded deck pushing wakes
along the gutters

Pahn is doubtful momentarily
but finds he has seen the sidewalk into dryness
and crosses with swiftly appearing
....................................................companions

And now coming the other way
Junipera alone passes
...................................................without looking

…

The stream dries again
disappointed
....................................................faster than water can flow

Here
....................Pahn notes
that the government has taken a bit of private
land and built
a walkway to an observation point
where people can watch at a safe distance
.................................................................................the torrents
in the wet season
....................................................when it comes

…

Sitting at a table
in a playground
with Egairia drawing
speaking
over her mirth
of the four levels
of intimacy
which
in her


are visible
like stairs
of chalk figures
on a flat surface
that he can scan
but not hold
or merge with

.....................................................he is trying
.....................................................hard to remember
what she is saying
......................................................but it has evaporated

he tells her
there is another woman (Athehna)
who shares one of her names
with whom
he has reached
the second level

he sees her
in his mind
nearby

with her thin gray hair
that curls around her ears
and she is looking away
closed now
....................................................and unhappy

Egairia laughs
and looks at his eyes
rising
....................................................and going

...........to her distant work

.

.

Junipera

A juniper fairy.


The Appearance of Junipera
Looking for Nests
Along the Russian River
The Third Time
The Levels of Intimacy
.