Nut-Bread
.
Pahn ..........somewhat uncomfortable
is sitting at the table
in the house
of the man
elderly
foreign
of unknown ethnicity .....who is talking
of unremembered things
when the man gets up to make a point
about the vagaries of chance .....saying
“I bought this bread twenty years ago”
Pahn wonders what this means
He begins to speculate—
is the bread worth money now?
Is he saying.......................
you never know
.................what’s going to go up in value?
Pahn asks...............................
“What does that mean?”
“I bought this bread twenty years ago, you see?”
Pahn doesn’t understand
“Well, I bought this bread long ago
and now I am here”
Pahn says
“I don’t understand the significance of what
you are saying”
The man leans in close to Pahn
and repeats himself slowly ...as if
Pahn has not understood the words
Says Pahn... “No
I mean I don’t understand
the significance of it
What are you saying about the bread?”
The man gets up again .....goes to a cupboard
brings out a bread bag ...and a plate
and lays out the sliced loaf of nut-bread
in a single stroke
“You see? I bought this bread twenty years ago”
Pahn imagines.............................................
the old man ...as a young man
buying this bread ...in Turkey
on his way ...to the United States…
…Someone brings a telephone to the table...........
and hands the receiver to Pahn
It is a call from his daughter’s school...........
The woman on the line says
“Eeunks was caught eating brownies at school”
Pahn assumes she means........................
marijuana brownies
He asks.... “should I come get her”
“Yes” the woman says…
…Pahn goes outside to find his car
but not seeing it .....he thinks he must have walked
So he starts toward his house on foot
but soon finds the neighborhoods ...unfamiliar
He remembers... that the town is cut
by the railroad tracks ...and there are only
two crossings ...He is trying to get to
the main street that crosses the tracks
on the south end of town ...near the school
but he is confused ...by the strange streets
and decides to turn west .....He takes
a slice of nut-bread from a cloth sack
and eats it
He goes through a neighborhood in the dark
without lights
that leads to a major thoroughfare
and finally to a street running north
where he feels like....
he’s going the right direction
But this street is strange .....He thinks
he has somehow ended up ...in San Jose
on the El Camino Real .......He passes buildings
of uncertain function
stadium?
........parking garage?
mall? ....
There is a strange conveyance .....resembling
a ski-lift ...and Ferris wheel
The buildings ...are mostly new
The last building he remembers ...appears
half finished ...with irregular levels ...and ranks
of seats .....and all the while
he has been eating the nut bread
and being glad that he has it
on this long walk
that finally is beginning
to seem like home
.
is sitting at the table
in the house
of the man
elderly
foreign
of unknown ethnicity .....who is talking
of unremembered things
when the man gets up to make a point
about the vagaries of chance .....saying
“I bought this bread twenty years ago”
Pahn wonders what this means
He begins to speculate—
is the bread worth money now?
Is he saying.......................
you never know
.................what’s going to go up in value?
Pahn asks...............................
“What does that mean?”
“I bought this bread twenty years ago, you see?”
Pahn doesn’t understand
“Well, I bought this bread long ago
and now I am here”
Pahn says
“I don’t understand the significance of what
you are saying”
The man leans in close to Pahn
and repeats himself slowly ...as if
Pahn has not understood the words
Says Pahn... “No
I mean I don’t understand
the significance of it
What are you saying about the bread?”
The man gets up again .....goes to a cupboard
brings out a bread bag ...and a plate
and lays out the sliced loaf of nut-bread
in a single stroke
“You see? I bought this bread twenty years ago”
Pahn imagines.............................................
the old man ...as a young man
buying this bread ...in Turkey
on his way ...to the United States…
…Someone brings a telephone to the table...........
and hands the receiver to Pahn
It is a call from his daughter’s school...........
The woman on the line says
“Eeunks was caught eating brownies at school”
Pahn assumes she means........................
marijuana brownies
He asks.... “should I come get her”
“Yes” the woman says…
…Pahn goes outside to find his car
but not seeing it .....he thinks he must have walked
So he starts toward his house on foot
but soon finds the neighborhoods ...unfamiliar
He remembers... that the town is cut
by the railroad tracks ...and there are only
two crossings ...He is trying to get to
the main street that crosses the tracks
on the south end of town ...near the school
but he is confused ...by the strange streets
and decides to turn west .....He takes
a slice of nut-bread from a cloth sack
and eats it
He goes through a neighborhood in the dark
without lights
that leads to a major thoroughfare
and finally to a street running north
where he feels like....
he’s going the right direction
But this street is strange .....He thinks
he has somehow ended up ...in San Jose
on the El Camino Real .......He passes buildings
of uncertain function
stadium?
........parking garage?
mall? ....
There is a strange conveyance .....resembling
a ski-lift ...and Ferris wheel
The buildings ...are mostly new
The last building he remembers ...appears
half finished ...with irregular levels ...and ranks
of seats .....and all the while
he has been eating the nut bread
and being glad that he has it
on this long walk
that finally is beginning
to seem like home
.
Illicit Wealth and Warm Water
…from
somewhere in the station’s rafters Pahn
sees
the man is moving across
the
station floor in a raincoat long
black
Pahn
sees that he is skipping and thinks
“He would be skipping on his way
to
deliver the money
because
he is nervous
afraid
of
being caught”
but
then
Pahn wonders if it is just the
reverse
Pahn glides down
through the
station into
the
man’s body and continues
toward
his contact
Now he feels the weight of the package
He
wonders how it could be
so much money
in so small a box
He skips up the steps
to
the elevated area
where
the man reading a newspaper
is
facing the wall
The
man turns around with a smile
Pahn
gives him the package
and walks away
Halfway
across the floor he stops
and asks himself
“why am I leaving?
Why don’t
I get my wife’s share
now?”
And
so he turns around
walks back to the man
and goes with him
to the roof
where Pahn says
“I
think I will take my wife’s half now
rather
than
have you pay her for it later
I know it is not mine
but
anything that is hers is half mine
and what’s hers is
mine anyway
in a manner of speaking”
He
half smiles as he says the last
phrase
and
the man shrugs and opens the package
saying
almost
to himself
“I
wonder how they’ve sent it this time”
It
is two books
The
man gives one to Pahn
and
inspects his own copy He notes
disapprovingly
some
pages stuck together Pahn asks
“how
does this work?”
The
man answers
“Each picture of a painting has a price by it
You send away to redeem the money”…
…Pahn wonders how he will put so much money
in
his bank account without arousing
suspicion
…
Pahn
is in Italy with his accomplices
They have rented a hotel room for the night
Pahn
is sitting in the easy chair
contemplating
the book
He
is wondering what is the safest way
to
take it past customs
A
man and a woman come in the back door
The
woman is wearing
loose black
wavy fabric
not
lacy
not cut low
she
is not young
her
body barely shows
but there is no sense
of
restriction
in her clothes
She
takes an immediate interest
in Pahn
She
seems a little strange
on
edge
unstable
laughing out of time
moving
unexpectedly
grasping
at Pahn
Pahn
listens to her
lets her touch him
He
likes her enough
Pahn has always had a thing for nutty women
The
man she came with says something like
‘you
can have her
but you’ll be sorry—
she
puddles’
Pahn
thinks briefly of venereal disease
but dismisses it
and
he cannot imagine any way
she would hurt him
The
other men go off to have drinks
Pahn
stays in the room with her
She lies across the bed
on her back
with her head
tilting down
over
the edge
and he climbs on top of her
quickly and easily
finding her
He
wonders
if she could really be ready
so soon—
feels himself slip neatly inside
her—
begins
She
is wide
and
hollow
She
lies contentedly
as if out of breath
from
dancing
He
feels warm water
pouring
gently
from
her
He doesn’t care
it’s a hotel bed
He
begins to lose interest
but
continues
absentmindedly
until
he feels
he is
pooling
inside
her
Let-Down
.
Pahn has been in the arctic ...skating on ice
over the ocean ...near shore
He has gotten wet ...and gone
to a small island hummock ...where
he has taken off his clothes.........................
...................................to let them dry
…
Pahn has been given an assignment
He must
assemble plants in small nursery pots
There must be
a certain number ...of several
specific types of plants
Pahn has been growing them for years
He has a partner in this assignment ...She
has been led by Pahn
....................................to rely on him
Pahn takes a rough inventory
Surely ...he has enough ...of every type of plant…
…Pahn goes into a building
He is in a long hallway .....He sees
a woman with a soft
.......................sweet
.............................but unsmiling face
..........standing by a door near a corner
...........and he moves toward her
.............looking her in the eye
......................She senses that he is drawn to her
.................and tenses just slightly
.......................in anticipation
..............................holding his eyes
........................all the while
She is wearing light......................
form-fitting clothes ...from
a fantasy ...that reminds him of
a John William Waterhouse painting ...only these clothes
are scantier and more modern.........................
He thinks she is studying ...for a play
He remembers ...that he was looking for something
He remembers that he is married....................
He doesn’t want her to think he wants her .....
even though ..he has started toward her
without thinking
Averting his gaze........................................
he searches the corridor around her
and seeing ...that there is nothing there for him
he leaves
..............................uneasily…
…briefly he is in a classroom with his partner…
…He goes out again into the nursery…
…He is in a larger hallway ...near
the entrance to the school theatre
........There is a small
....................thin
.......................................dark-haired woman
..................standing by the door ...waiting
She is wearing........................................
a garment like the other woman’s
and Pahn assumes
....................that she is in the same play
It occurs to him.............................................
that these women.....................................
might like to wear these clothes ...because
they allow them to appear
.............................................ethereally
...................................sexual
over the ocean ...near shore
He has gotten wet ...and gone
to a small island hummock ...where
he has taken off his clothes.........................
...................................to let them dry
…
Pahn has been given an assignment
He must
assemble plants in small nursery pots
There must be
a certain number ...of several
specific types of plants
Pahn has been growing them for years
He has a partner in this assignment ...She
has been led by Pahn
....................................to rely on him
Pahn takes a rough inventory
Surely ...he has enough ...of every type of plant…
…Pahn goes into a building
He is in a long hallway .....He sees
a woman with a soft
.......................sweet
.............................but unsmiling face
..........standing by a door near a corner
...........and he moves toward her
.............looking her in the eye
......................She senses that he is drawn to her
.................and tenses just slightly
.......................in anticipation
..............................holding his eyes
........................all the while
She is wearing light......................
form-fitting clothes ...from
a fantasy ...that reminds him of
a John William Waterhouse painting ...only these clothes
are scantier and more modern.........................
He thinks she is studying ...for a play
He remembers ...that he was looking for something
He remembers that he is married....................
He doesn’t want her to think he wants her .....
even though ..he has started toward her
without thinking
Averting his gaze........................................
he searches the corridor around her
and seeing ...that there is nothing there for him
he leaves
..............................uneasily…
…briefly he is in a classroom with his partner…
…He goes out again into the nursery…
…He is in a larger hallway ...near
the entrance to the school theatre
........There is a small
....................thin
.......................................dark-haired woman
..................standing by the door ...waiting
She is wearing........................................
a garment like the other woman’s
and Pahn assumes
....................that she is in the same play
It occurs to him.............................................
that these women.....................................
might like to wear these clothes ...because
they allow them to appear
.............................................ethereally
...................................sexual
.
......................like adult
.....................................flower fairies—
a sensibility
that he thinks seems alien.........
to modern times…
…Pahn returns ...to the nursery ...where
he has assembled his plants
The professor comes along
to do a preliminary check of his work
To Pahn’s surprise ...the professor
says that he has come up short
...........................on certain plants
Pahn scrounges around for more of them
but finds nothing
He knows that his partner .......................
will feel.....................................
that he has let her down...................................
.
......................like adult
.....................................flower fairies—
a sensibility
that he thinks seems alien.........
to modern times…
…Pahn returns ...to the nursery ...where
he has assembled his plants
The professor comes along
to do a preliminary check of his work
To Pahn’s surprise ...the professor
says that he has come up short
...........................on certain plants
Pahn scrounges around for more of them
but finds nothing
He knows that his partner .......................
will feel.....................................
that he has let her down...................................
.
Flying with his thoughts
Pahn has
forgotten so much…
…he has been in
a grocery store buying bread…
…he has been in
the vineyard shop…
…he has walked
out into the vines
He
strolls along the row of turning
leaves
carrying
something
in
his hands
or in his heart
or in his mind it sometimes
soars out over the vines
and
up a hill
Small
bodies
come
to him they waver
between spirits of girls and young women
(sometimes they climb inside him
for what is in his chest)
he makes them
wait for one last throw
He
remembers this much
He
looks down at the object of his
intent
which
he has taken from his body and mind
and
set on the ground with his hands
and considers what he has learned
The girls are waiting at the top of the
hill—
he wants to go there and beyond
He lifts up his message
into the air
where
it disappears and soon can be seen
again
high on the wind
as
a
model plane
that wafts
and dives
unpredictably
Pahn
knows that it is not reliable
But
as he considers the things from his
hands
heart
mind
lying
on the ground
while the young women wait on the hill
he
comes to know
that
he may carry
his messages walking
knowing
they will always be with him
or
he
can carry them
as
he flies
but that is dangerous
because
he
can’t control his flight
or
he
can send them flying
by
themselves
on the wind
He may not know
where they
will end
but
it doesn’t matter
because
he doesn’t know
who they are for
and it is not important
if they are lost
so
he
throws another message
into the ether
and
follows it
up the hill to his girlfriends
and
children
whoever they are
and on
he continues
to
other
heights
as
if he
were
taken along
by the flying
thoughts
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
