To Carry and Be Carried

Upstairs

Pahn is a man

but when

it is time to go downstairs

he is a woman

young

tall

        strong

                  good looking

        confident

excited

There is another woman

in front of him

who is afraid to descend

Pahn says that he/she is not afraid

but starting

down the spiral staircase

without a railing

looking down

he/she can’t see

and has to feel his/her way

with his/her feet

Part way down

he/she steps on a pen

trying to push it aside

without losing his/her balance

                        He has a great respect for pens

                        but is afraid to bend down

                        to pick it up                             

Almost to the bottom

there is a rope swing

                        which he/she playfully grabs

                        arcing through the room

                        guiding the flight                       

                        toward the instructor         

                        hoping to be able                                         

to land in his arms

The instructor is too far away

but once on the ground

He picks Pahn up

                     and carries her/him around

              her/his arms slung

                 on his neck

Pahn is surprised

           at how good it feels

                 to be a woman

                      being carried

                  how much       

                like sunlight

                               his/her arms feel

           how weightless

               and carefree

The instructor is short

                          stout

                                 red faced

                              and self assured

He puts Pahn down

and Pahn picks him up

carrying him like a baby

showing off

his/her feminine strength

The instructor leans his face toward Pahn’s

to kiss

But Pahn doesn’t like his face

for kissing

 Pahn has never felt this way as a man

needing to hold but not wanting to kiss

Pahn pulls back from him

                    just as their lips touch

and sets him down    

The instructor is annoyed

Pahn feels guilty

So Pahn sits down

      disappointed

                        still wanting holding                                    

picking up his son Daphnis

because he/she knows

                    his/her arms are always accepted

                                                                        by Daphnis

and Daphnis will sit comfortably

                        in Pahn’s lap

and if he wants to kiss

                        Pahn doesn’t mind

because Daphnis’ face

           will always be beautiful

…

Pahn is a man again

at a picnic

                 with his children

He is playing with a woman

talking

            and laughing           

He goes to the stands

gathering filets

               of salmon and halibut

and goes

with the woman to eat

sitting 

on her family’s blanket

But as he begins to converse

he realizes

that he can’t sit with them

because

his own family

          has its own blanket

and his children

can’t eat

              by themselves

and he doesn’t belong there

                         Aiks speaks to him

                        through the air

                        from home

                                      as if she were talking

                        on the phone                           

She wants him

to come home—

he can’t say no

Packing their things

telling the kids

it is time to go

he is thinking

of the fish

and the three hour drive—

 how it will be warm

and wasted—

                   thinking of ice