Residual Fragments: 04/01/2007

Sitting at a table in a playground
with Egairia drawing
Pahn is speaking over her mirth of
the four levels of intimacy
which
in her are visible like stairs of chalk figures
on a flat surface that Pahn can scan
but not hold or incorporate

He tells her
there is another woman (Athehna)
who shares her name and with whom
he has reached the second level

he sees Athehna
In his mind distorted
nearby

her thin gray hair
curls around her ears
and she is looking away
closed now
and unhappy

Egairia laughs
And looks at his eyes
rising
and going
to her distant work

................................................He tries hard to remember what she said

......................................................................................He knows
.....................................................................................he can’t
.........................................................................................open her head now

.
…

He is on a bridge
....................................................suspended
...................................................high
...................................................above
a wide ........deep river ....of Oregon

working
laying olives and salsa
on each tread

pulses of fear
..................................................vertigo
coming into his body of falling
from this conscious
span where love
may walk
and the limbs are industrious

He is afraid of losing them
because he needs their presences

…

Walking naked

through a rainy night
out of the forest
by the river
past a shelter for travelers
to a road built on a shelf between
the stages of a waterfall

........................................................He has been alone in the water already
....................................................... and is frightened
......................................................... of it

............................................................ When he was young
for a time
............................................................ he wouldn’t let anyone
see his goatish skin

........................................................... he didn’t want
.......................................................... to be touched

............................................................ and he became afraid of people
but all the while he had fantasies
............................................................ of being nude among mortal women

Looking down
there is another fall
but climbing to it he sees
that the great river of Oregon
has dried and shrunken into a semi-rural yard
oak and eucalyptus of a young California

…

In another moment
in the presence of worker friends

the stream has overwhelmed
a bridge

A car is navigating
the flooded deck pushing wakes
along the gutters

Pahn is doubtful momentarily
but finds he has seen the sidewalk into dryness
and crosses with swiftly appearing
....................................................companions

And now coming the other way
Junipera alone passes
...................................................without looking

…

The stream dries again
disappointed
....................................................faster than water can flow

Here
....................Pahn notes
that the government has taken a bit of private
land and built
a walkway to an observation point
where people can watch at a safe distance
.................................................................................the torrents
in the wet season
....................................................when it comes

…

Sitting at a table
in a playground
with Egairia drawing
speaking
over her mirth
of the four levels
of intimacy
which
in her

are visible
like stairs
of chalk figures
on a flat surface
that he can scan
but not hold
or merge with

.....................................................he is trying
.....................................................hard to remember
what she is saying
......................................................but it has evaporated

he tells her
there is another woman (Athehna)
who shares one of her names
with whom
he has reached
the second level

he sees her
in his mind
nearby

with her thin gray hair
that curls around her ears
and she is looking away
closed now
....................................................and unhappy

Egairia laughs
and looks at his eyes
rising
....................................................and going

...........to her distant work

…walking in late

to an unfamiliar class

nervous

interested

More students come

the ones who know why

they are there

some standing

others sitting

wearing faded earth- tones

of brown and green

They are tall

with long hair

and talk listen

with animation

There is a woman Pahn notices

with a long French-braid

thick blond

She is compact

strong wholesome

beautiful smoking a pipe

Pahn expects

that she will be

reprimanded for smoking

but the professor

gets out a pipe for himself

and the conversation goes

to a demonstration

of project-in-the-making

…

Outside

dogs are fighting

in the dark

on the lawn

One of them is wounded

One of them is larger

One of them is trying

to help Pahn’s family

Pahn splits up the fight

and takes the helping-dog

back to the hotel…

…Off of the ocean comes a wave

four stories high

Swept to the top

Pahn and his family

surf

stoked

but afraid of being smashed

on the dry ground

at its base

It doubles

There are screams

of roller-coaster

fear-fun as they are carried

around the building

down

a winding path

at high velocity…

…Suddenly

they are standing in front of an apartment

where secure single women would have lived

in the late nineteen-forties

…

Pahn wakes up

and falls asleep

again

…

They have gotten a room

at the end of a corridor

in an expensive hotel

in Hawaii

They are taking showers

It is very dark

The kids are playing

The covers of sleep

are scattered on the floor in the bath…

…In a parking lot

Phaithohn and Toor are looking at drawings

Pahn is perplexed

The drawings are gothic interiors

He asks them where they are for

They invite him into the building nearby

The building is large

and modern

plain and gypsum

acoustic-tiled

painted a yellow that turns

to orange in certain light

Pahn asks if the gothic blocks

are made of Styrofoam

and could be glued

Pahn suggests

they would be better a different color

but Phaithohn and Toor don’t listen to Pahn

The room is filled with guests

young

wealthy

beautiful women

and invisible men

Pahn gathers his things

and his family

and leaves

Walking across the parking lot

he loses something

Now something is wrong

They go back to the hotel…

…In the room Walking past

Pahn undresses the escalators

for a shower looking down one flight

that he feels he needs he sees O.J.

because coming up

he has gotten dirty

Aiks dated O.J. years ago

and now that O.J. is a killer

Aiks and Pahn are afraid of him

Naked Aiks and O.J. are arguing

in the bathroom in the parking lot

he hears the shower

already running

remembering O.J. follows Pahn and Aiks

that it is past checkout into their new room

and the maids might come he is carrying

and it may be a hunting knife

someone else’s room now he comes toward Pahn

Pahn thinks

Pahn goes back he won’t fight O.J.

into the bedroom but He doesn’t know

still dark what O.J. has in mind

and messy Pahn thinks

looking at the covers he couldn’t hope to win

hearing snoring but O.J. is coming toward him

then coughing and there is no escape

and seeing someone awaken so he pulls out his

Pahn tries frantically pocket knife

to get his pants on O.J. slashes at him

knowing it’s too late hits his elbow

as a man sits up against the wall

and looks at him dropping his blade

Now

O.J. has a paring knife

Pahn has grabbed his right arm

Pahn thinks

he can stab O.J. now as he is thinking this

but he still doesn’t know thin

if he would really kill him naked American

he is afraid to kill shamanic men

he is afraid to hurt are coming

to press his advantage up the escalator

it is his nature to forgive gathering

to compromise in the room
to fight with words standing

to understand nodding

commiserate silent

but approval

O.J. is a killer and other

He shouldn’t be free holy men

He will kill again from ancient cultures

if Pahn doesn’t stop him around the world

O.J. may kill Pahn are coming

to give

And now Pahn can kill— their permission

he couldn’t before

but now he can

Pahn can see where O.J.s heart is

His left hand

is behind his back

and his right hand

Pahn is holding away

O.J looks like he doesn’t believe Pahn

like Pahn is not strong enough

but it isn’t so hard

to kill

the knife goes

easily

into O.J.’s expensive suit

between his ribs

into his chest

Pahn doesn’t know if it is enough

what he’s done

with such a small weapon

O.J. clutches

a nail scissors

scratching it

into his own wrist

falling limp

Now Pahn is sorry

and feels himself

starting to cry

because he didn’t want to kill him

though he didn’t want him to live Now the detectives

and Pahn feels as though have come

he might never stop crying Pahn is wondering

because crying feels if they will understand

so good now and if

they will put him in jail

give him a trial

But he thinks

Aiks will bear witness

The detectives ignore Pahn

They are waiting for their staff

Pahn is getting board

He wants to go back

to the clean

sunny hotel

where he left his children

Pahn goes to ask the chief—

a big man with authority
of mixed ethnicity

and deep hidden

emotion

Pahn takes a wrong turn

going into a private room

and finding

a middle aged woman naked

in a redwood tub

looking at him

with surprise

and interest

He remembers

when he dreamed this before

not long ago

and feels that he knows now for certain

that his dreams can be prophetic…

…Walking

around that coastal town again

with its large blocks

of parks

and wide streets

he wonders if

he is still all right

still human

if they can still see him

will still care

or if he will be invisible again

and in pain

searching

for Aiks

He is acknowledged

barely

by the citizens

He comes upon

a very dark

African-

American

wearing old-fashioned clothes

sitting with his son

who looks at Pahn

with hurt

and won’t speak to him

Pahn is carrying a bucket

and looks down into it

for something to give them Arriving

that they might want at the beach

but he has only small Pahn sees that the rain

plastic dinosaurs that fell

in compost during the night

and they has smoothed out

would not be interested the shore

erased

the footprints

the excavations

the mounds

Looking into the sand

at the edge of the surf
Pahn sees a shadow

and turning around

he sees

the big man with authority

who understands now

how Pahn feels

and nods

his acceptance

…

Strolling down the beach

with his children playing

Pahn hears shots

and sees

at a distance

two men

with rifles

firing

three-inch shells

in all directions

His old friend Rahbin comes by ducking

saying

“Take cover”

Pahn is not concerned

at first

but seeing them fire A child

in his direction running back

he crouches has gotten swept

behind a rock into the waves

Pahn is afraid

in a minute that she will be carried away

the firing stops because

it has happened before

so he runs into the water

and pulls her out

even though

she is not his own

He has seen her

as a small

blurry figure

but now

pulled from the water

her visage clears

and she is beautiful

Pahn is glad

and humbled

that he has saved her

and wants her to live

Residual Fragments

Part 8: THE QUALITY OF MERCY

The Levels of Intimacy

Delphina's Bear

Killing O.J.

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