Part 7: EDGE OF LIGHT

Edge of Light
To Carry and be Carried
The Third Time
Anagrams
Nymphal
Formica
The Family
The Upper Canyon
Bluebirds
Traveling in the Desert
Waterfall
Lot Lines
Tunnel
A Director
Pahn Ku Eeantha
Friend
Wisteria
In a Group of People
Djuturna Fades
Sheaves
Thanksgiving Eve
East of California
All knowing it All
Boundary
I and She
Athehna's Place
Saturday Morning
.

Edge of Light

.
A gravel    fenced    road
                                                                                     skirts
 

                                                        the abandoned sheds
                                                                       of chickens
                                                                       or horses
                                                                                    farm tools
                                                                                         blacksmiths
 

                                                             corners of un-remember-able
                                                                                                          storage--

a short dry slope
through the quiet                          

                                                         of elsewhere ranchers
on a sliver
of access

between     the private lands

He comes to the bridge                                                   
at the corporate    ownership                      
where he is     disallowed
but without wrath

Disobeying                                                                                 
knowing that he is no liability
Pahn follows the boggy river                                  

                       in its small
                        and grassy valley
its clear water
brought near                           
and away again              
with its meanders

A man with dark      freckled skin                    
joins him                                             
in a hunters cap
with a radio

                    and a long thin gate
reassuring Pahn

                  with his                      hermit similarity
and distant feeling                          
like all people                         
on the fringes
                      of their own society
who find a comfortable place

                  on the edge of habitation
                                                                     where they can raise a family
                                                                   and still escape
                                                                                      into the wilderness
 

                                                                       into that
wild order                         

                                                                                       where relationships
                                                                       between plants
                                                                    animals
                                                                       rocks
                                                                                            and water are
                                                                      too complex     to separate
         in a mind
                                                                      too extensive to recall
         in detail

but if left alone

                                                            to walk with thought
                                                         fall together

in the most inevitable way                                               
.
.

To Carry and Be Carried


Upstairs
Pahn is a man

but when
it is time to go downstairs
he is a woman

young
tall
        strong
                  good looking
        confident
excited

There is another woman
in front of him
who is afraid to descend

Pahn says that he/she is not afraid

but starting
down the spiral staircase
without a railing
looking down
he/she can’t see
and has to feel his/her way
with his/her feet

Part way down
he/she steps on a pen
trying to push it aside
without losing his/her balance
                        He has a great respect for pens
                        but is afraid to bend down
                        to pick it up                             

Almost to the bottom
there is a rope swing
                        which he/she playfully grabs
                        arcing through the room
                        guiding the flight                       
                        toward the instructor         
                        hoping to be able                                         
to land in his arms

The instructor is too far away
but once on the ground
He picks Pahn up
                     and carries her/him around
              her/his arms slung
                 on his neck

Pahn is surprised
           at how good it feels
                 to be a woman
                      being carried
                  how much       
                like sunlight
                               his/her arms feel
           how weightless
               and carefree

The instructor is short
                          stout
                                 red faced
                              and self assured

He puts Pahn down
and Pahn picks him up
carrying him like a baby
showing off
his/her feminine strength

The instructor leans his face toward Pahn’s
to kiss

But Pahn doesn’t like his face
for kissing

 Pahn has never felt this way as a man
needing to hold but not wanting to kiss

Pahn pulls back from him
                    just as their lips touch
and sets him down    

The instructor is annoyed

Pahn feels guilty

So Pahn sits down
      disappointed
                        still wanting holding                                    
picking up his son Daphnis
because he/she knows
                    his/her arms are always accepted
                                                                        by Daphnis
and Daphnis will sit comfortably
                        in Pahn’s lap
and if he wants to kiss
                        Pahn doesn’t mind
because Daphnis’ face
           will always be beautiful


Pahn is a man again
at a picnic
                 with his children

He is playing with a woman
talking
            and laughing           

He goes to the stands
gathering filets
               of salmon and halibut

and goes
with the woman to eat
sitting 
on her family’s blanket

But as he begins to converse
he realizes
that he can’t sit with them


because
his own family
          has its own blanket
and his children
can’t eat
              by themselves
and he doesn’t belong there

                         Aiks speaks to him
                        through the air
                        from home
                                      as if she were talking
                        on the phone                           

She wants him
to come home—
he can’t say no

Packing their things
telling the kids
it is time to go
he is thinking
of the fish
and the three hour drive—
 how it will be warm
and wasted—
                   thinking of ice


The Third Time

.
It is hard to remember now
but he came
three times
out of a house
with rafters

and three times
he walked down
a gravel road

The first time
I don’t remember
but it wasn’t right

The second time
I remember only
that Junipera was there
and ignoring him

The third time
Junipera followed him
into a house
and Pahn sat
perched on the edge
of a bathtub
drawing the curtain
behind him wondering
if she would come in
to him

And when he turned around
she was smiling
and when he looked down
they were floating
in a soft matrix
of dots
fluff
and plasma
her
hands on his knees
pushing onto him



Out on that same road
there is a man
with a head like an idea
and a rectangular body
of glass
with contentment
and orgasm
bubbling inside
a thick
clear
liquid
like oil
or conditioner

And Pahn is bent
grandly over maps
of the Sierra foothills
with pine smoke
seeing this idea-
headed man on the paper
in ink
with lines
leading into him
like roads
to a town
.
asking who it could be
and knowing suddenly

it is Tuolumne
.
.

Anagrams


come walking
                                                                    a stimulus

Baudahilia gives to Pahn
                                a scrambled word

Bormahna looks in Pahn’s eyes
in her questioning way

Baudahilia turns to leave
without unscrambling

Pahn can’t figure out
the word she gave


At Lake Tahoe                                                                        
in the snow

Pahn comes to a counter                                                         
the kind of place                                       
where skates   
    would be rented             
but
he has come                            
to get dressed

Rakhehla                                                         
is the clerk       
    helping people                                                             
      with their clothes            

Pahn sees her doubt                                                              
leading to distraction
He sees her trust                                        
open to betray

She doesn’t want this job                                                    
   She is being funny                                                                 
She is worried                         
depressed underneath
There are things                                               
she can’t figure out

Aiks      Eeunks      and Daphnis                                                                            
are behind Pahn                                                                                       

         He can’t decide what to wear                                                                                                               

Going behind the counter                                                                              
to a stall                                                          
      rummaging around his clothes                                                                                    
in a bag on the floor                                                                
                        like an anagram
he finds a pair of jeans                                                                                   

The stall has no door                                                                
Rakhehla’s supervisor                                                       
is standing near                        
A female customer                                                         
is looking in                             
Pahn feels                                                                                
that he shouldn’t undress                                                           
in front of these people                                     

but he slips off his shorts
and changes anyway

Rakhehla                                                                                 
needs his help                                                  
    She needs                                                                           
   to talk to him                                                
                       
   She has been fired                                                                                        
She missed too many days                                                       
She was too scattered
                                               
Pahn feels guilty
thinking
                         he distracted her further

She is talking to her boss—                                                      
Charlie Rose                           
Pahn is  uncertain now
what it is that Rakhehla does here

  She suggests                                                                          
  that she is good at filling in                                                
     She wants a job                                                                                          
  filling in for others                                                              
  Charlie says                                                                           
“Yes
you are good at filling in”

   and he says                                                                          
“You can have the job”


Pahn and his family                                                                                                              
    are driving around a town    that is a cross      between          
     his childhood    and Lake Tahoe                                                             
                                                                       with damp coastal air                                                        

They stop at various stores                                                                          
but never find                                                  
what they are looking for                               


Pahn is at work                                                                                                
with a woman                                                                          
   like a therapist for someone else                                                   
gray                
and rounded                            
                        gnome-like                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              
she calls Pahn     “Jonathon”                                                                              
    but     before he can explain who he is                                 
           the fire alarm sounds                                                   

     He goes outside with the gray woman                                                                          
    to where a crowd of co-workers has gathered          
    They find Jehmz                                                                                                                                      
Jehmz is looking to the West                                                                                  
     and soon everyone                                                                                 
  is pointing to a grassy hill                                                        
partly obscured by trees                                   
where there is  
an old
but well kept house
with smoke
                              coming from its chimney

muffled explosions
coughing fumes

Pahn sees now                                                
that it has become a large factory
made of tan brick               

                                          He is thinking it must be a dream
                        because one building
                        can’t change
                        into another
                          but                                                                                                      
                        this can’t be a dream                                     
                          because                                                                                   
                        he is at work                                                   
                                and work is of the real world  

imploding
professionally
demolished

though everyone is cheering                                                          
Aiks       who has appeared behind them                                                     
expresses sadness           
  and loss         

Pahn doesn’t share her feelings of loss                        
because the building                                                           
though it was old
wasn’t very pretty                                      
  and no longer had a use                                 

Going back a different way                                                                           
Pahn parts company                                                         
with the gray woman                                    
finally telling her his real name—

Their meeting     he thinks
has not gone well
It was mixed up     and interrupted
like letters of a word
                        interposed

                        and separated


Pahn enters an unfamiliar university                                                         
                        with anticipation
exploring                                                         
through a double door                            
into an auditorium       

in the back                                                      
there is a class    behind a curtain                                       
emanating the sounds    of dance instruction        

He has a sense that Rakhehla is there                                                               
and walks back to see                                                              

  The building is large                                                                                        
and empty
like the factory                                                 
that was demolished
It is the kind of place                                                                                       
that Rakhehla                                                  
would be drawn to                                 

At the back                                                      
the class begins                                                                        
                                                                                               
and Pahn is not wanted                                                            

He turns to go                                                                        
but the room has filled                                                          
   with basketball players                                                            
                        shooting hoops                        

Pahn doesn’t want to disturb their game                               
He knows there must be a back passage                                                           
  and goes through many doors searching                                                                       

At some point                                                  
  he is at the top of a stair that ends in a cubby
and there
he opens a vent                                                
that blows cool                        
fresh air

but there is no way out

so in the end                            
he walks                                                          
through the hall                        
carrying a beach ball        
     without looking            
        to see if anyone notices
or disapproves
     of his presence
   or his stance…


…He is in the mess                                                                                       
           walking past the counters of food                                                                
and tables of students                                                           

He finds Daphnis                                                                                   
sitting with a friend                                                              
doing an assignment                                                       

The second problem
                        he has solved—
making a word from the letters in

 “aardvark”
and
               “Alligator”       

but the first problem
                        involves

“parakeet”
and
 “hippopotamus”

and he can’t figure it out

Pahn realizes as he watches Daphnis                                                           
that he wants to know                                                              
where Rakhehla is                              
and how she is doing                                       
and he can’t concentrate                                                                             
at a loss
on his son’s problem                                                          
    and the best he can come up with                                         
is                     

“CLESE MES S”

That    can’t be right                                                                
this confusion
this guilt


ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS


Some of these poems originally appeared in the following publications

Avocet
Dream International Quarterly
mojo risin'
The Muse Apprentice Guild (The MAG)
Transfer

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