Killing O.J.


…walking in late
to an unfamiliar class
nervous
     interested

More students come

            the ones who know why
             they are there

                  some standing
             others sitting
wearing faded earth- tones
  of brown and green

They are tall
       with long hair
   and talk      listen
       with animation

There is a woman Pahn notices        
              with a long French-braid
              thick      blond
        She is compact                                
strong     wholesome
             beautiful     smoking a pipe 

Pahn expects                                           
        that she will be                                
reprimanded for smoking
      but the professor                            
 gets out a pipe for himself

and the conversation goes
to a demonstration
                of project-in-the-making
           
                     
Outside
dogs are fighting
 in the dark
            on the lawn

     One of them is wounded
One of them is larger
One of them is trying
               to help Pahn’s family

Pahn splits up the fight
and takes the helping-dog
                            back to the hotel…

…Off of the ocean comes a wave
four stories high

                                                        Swept to the top
                                                   Pahn and his family
                 surf
           stoked
                                but afraid of being smashed 
            on the dry ground        
at its base

                                                      It doubles
                                            There are screams
                                                   of roller-coaster
                                             fear-fun as they are carried 
                                                   around the building                             
                            down                                
                                            a winding path                                           
at high velocity… 

        …Suddenly     
              they are standing in front of an apartment
                    where secure   single women would have lived
   in the late nineteen-forties           



Pahn wakes up
and falls asleep
again


They have gotten a room
at the end of a corridor
 in an expensive hotel
 in Hawaii

They are taking showers          
It is very dark                        
The kids are playing                
The covers of sleep                 
                           are scattered on the floor in the bath… 

 …In a parking lot
Phaithohn and Toor are looking at drawings           
Pahn is perplexed                                                 
The drawings are gothic interiors                   
He asks them  where they are for                          
They invite him into the building nearby
           
                        The building is large                                        
                        and modern           
                                   plain     and gypsum
            acoustic-tiled  
                                   painted a yellow that turns
                                      to orange in certain light 

                        Pahn asks if the gothic blocks                           
                               are made of Styrofoam                               
                and could be glued               
                        Pahn suggests                                                  
                               they would be better a different color              
                             but Phaithohn and Toor don’t listen to Pahn   
                       
                        The room is filled with guests                                      
young              
wealthy           
              beautiful women            
                             and invisible men                                       

                        Pahn gathers his things                                              
   and his family            
           and leaves  

                        Walking across the parking lot                        
he loses something        

                                        Now             something is wrong      
                                            They go back to the hotel…

                        …In the room                 Walking past               
                        Pahn undresses                    the escalators              
                           for a shower                       looking down one flight         
                            that he feels he needs            he sees O.J.
                                 because                                coming up
                                    he has gotten dirty                                                     
                       
                                                            Aiks dated O.J.                                                                       years ago           
                   and now that O.J. is a killer
                   Aiks and Pahn are afraid of him

                              Naked                             Aiks and O.J. are arguing
                            in the bathroom                    in the parking lot
                         he hears the shower                                                 
                            already running                                                  
                         remembering                    O.J. follows Pahn and Aiks
                              that it is past checkout               into their new room
                   and the maids might come             he is carrying
                                  and it may be                     a hunting knife
someone else’s room now            he comes toward Pahn
                                    Pahn thinks 
Pahn goes back                                he won’t fight O.J.        
into the bedroom                              but He doesn’t know
     still dark                                         what O.J. has in mind
and messy                       Pahn thinks
looking at the covers                      he couldn’t hope to win
 hearing snoring                    but O.J. is coming toward him
then coughing                         and there is no escape
and seeing someone awaken                  so he pulls out his
Pahn tries frantically                        pocket knife
      to get his pants on              O.J. slashes at him
     knowing it’s too late           hits his elbow
            as a man sits up                                against the wall
and looks at him                         dropping his blade
             Now  
                                                        O.J. has a paring knife
                                                          Pahn has grabbed his right arm

 Pahn thinks                                           
                  he can stab O.J. now          as he is thinking this
but he still doesn’t know             thin
           if he would really kill him            naked    American
         he is afraid to kill                          shamanic men
        he is afraid to hurt                        are coming
        to press his advantage                          up the escalator
it is his nature to forgive                 gathering
                             to compromise                      in the room                       
                  to fight with words               standing                
     to understand                       nodding   
  commiserate                         silent
                                    but                                      approval                                 
                                             
                                       O.J. is a killer                              and other
                                      He shouldn’t be free                     holy men
                                      He will kill again                    from ancient cultures
                                        if Pahn doesn’t stop him             around the world
                                      O.J. may kill Pahn                      are coming
                                                                                 to give
                                      And now Pahn can kill—                their permission
                                       he couldn’t before                                        
                                           but now he can                                            
                                             
                                     Pahn can see where O.J.s heart is                       
                                        His left hand                                          
                     is behind his back
                                       and his right hand                                   
                                                 Pahn is holding away
                                    O.J looks like he doesn’t believe Pahn
                                                    like Pahn   is not strong enough
                                             
                                    but it isn’t so hard                                 
                                               to kill
                                     the knife goes                                        
    easily
                                    into O.J.’s expensive suit
                        between his ribs
                      into his chest
                                             
                                    Pahn doesn’t know if it is enough
                                            what he’s done                       
                                                 with such a small weapon
                                             
                                        O.J. clutches
         a nail scissors
                                                      scratching it
                                                                    into his own wrist
                                             
                                                             falling limp
                                             
                        Now Pahn is sorry
                          and  feels himself
                             starting to cry
                        because he didn’t want to kill him
          though he didn’t want him to live            Now the detectives
             and Pahn feels as though                        have come
                        he might never stop crying                      Pahn is wondering
                because crying feels                      if they will understand
                 so good now                                             and if
                                                                    they will put him in jail
                                                                                    give him a trial
                                        But he thinks
                                                                        Aiks will bear witness

                                                     The detectives ignore Pahn
                                                           They are waiting for their staff
                                              Pahn is getting board
                                           He wants to go back
                                                                     to the clean
     sunny hotel
                                                                    where he left his children
                                   
                                                 Pahn goes to ask the chief—
                                     a big man with authority    
                                  of mixed ethnicity
                                            and deep        hidden
                                  emotion

                                 Pahn takes a wrong turn     
                                going into a private room
                                                                        and finding                                              
a middle aged woman          naked
in a redwood tub    
looking at him
                      with surprise
and interest

He remembers
when he dreamed this before
not long ago
and feels that he knows now for certain
that his dreams can be prophetic…

                               …Walking                                      
                                    around that coastal town again
                                      with its large blocks
                                                                 of parks
                                                              and wide streets
                        he wonders if                                    
                             he is still all right                     
                                     still human                          
                                          if they can still see him
                                                     will still care
                                        or if he will be invisible again
                                                          and in pain
                         searching                                              
                                for Aiks                                            

                        He is acknowledged                                
                                                    barely                             
                             by the citizens                          
                           
He comes upon                       
                               a very dark                              
                                  African-                                
                                  American                               
                                         wearing old-fashioned clothes
                                         sitting with his son
                                             who looks at Pahn
                                                                with hurt
                             and won’t speak to him
Pahn is carrying a bucket
           and looks down into it
                        for something to give them                           Arriving
                that they might want                             at the beach
              but he has only small                              Pahn sees that the rain
                   plastic dinosaurs                   that fell
                               in compost                              during the night
and they                                          has smoothed out
         would not be interested                         the shore        
                                                       erased
                                                                        the footprints  
                                                                           the excavations
                                                                                the mounds
                     Looking into the sand
                               at the edge of the surf
Pahn sees a shadow
and turning around
                                                            he sees                                                               
                                the big man with authority                           
                             who understands now
                           how Pahn feels
                  and nods
                              his acceptance
                                             

        Strolling down the beach                                                             
           with his children playing                                                       
                 Pahn hears shots                                                                             
                          and sees                                                                  
                            at a distance                                               
                                       two men                                               
                                           with rifles                                    
                                                     firing                                
                                                               three-inch shells
                                                                                           in all directions

                        His old friend Rahbin   comes by   ducking
                              saying                                           
                                  “Take cover”

                        Pahn is not concerned
                            at first                         
                         but seeing them fire       A child
                             in his direction                      running back
                        he crouches                                  has gotten swept
                                 behind a rock                         into the waves
                                                       Pahn is afraid
                                                    in a minute                that she will be carried away
                            the firing stops                               because
                      it has happened before
                so he runs into the water
                 and pulls her out
                            even though
                      she is not his own

He has seen her
    as a small
    blurry figure
but now 
                            pulled from the water
her visage clears
                     and she is beautiful

Pahn is glad
      and humbled
           that he has saved her
                  and wants her to live


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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS


Some of these poems originally appeared in the following publications

Avocet
Dream International Quarterly
mojo risin'
The Muse Apprentice Guild (The MAG)
Transfer

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