Free Affection

Pahn is lying in a beige

modern classroom

surrounded by women

co-workers

talking happily after hours

Pluta is lying next to Pahn      her hand

beneath the blanket    touching

his bare thigh

speaking softly

he can feel

his penis

          just touching the side of her pinky 

He is thinking he will grow erect

and wondering if she will mind…

…the new woman speaks

older    dark    and solid conveying

a vague prohibition

of something…

…they go to another room

where Pluta    standing

says she has become sick

and must leave…

…Pahn is with another woman

tall and thin    like Pluta

who walks

comfortably with him             wandering

out of the building     and into the street

where Pahn thinks he is free

to be affectionate

his arm around her

and feeling love

They walk                                                           

 into a fruit store     that leads

into a mall

They are followed by another woman     who steals

a wide tray of fruit      for them

 

At the end                                                    

of the mall     a group of late-nighters

in evening gowns

comes through the glass door               Pahn

looks at their bare shoulders             and their breasts

 swelling      above their gowns          as they walk by

then goes with his companion

out into the street

  Pahn recognizes the corner

  where they’ve come out

and leads his date

across the street

into a Catholic cathedral        thinking

he will find a way out the other side 

They wind their way

through corridors        and stairways

that open periodically           onto a concert hall

and auditorium           that becomes

 immense as they climb

the ranks

of empty sage-green seats        sloping

into the distance

and finally

at the top of the stairs

they enter a room where confessions occur

donning the priests’ robes      and lying on couches…

…A man comes into the room

and asks to confess 

He sits by Pahn        and speaks      but Pahn

doesn’t pay attention 

Pahn falls asleep                                                                 

and during the night   he hears

a priest come into the room 

Pahn pulls over his hood                                                      

 to obscure his face     and lies motionless 

   The priest comes over to the couch                                    

to stand over Pahn

for a moment. 

    Pahn looks up                                                             

             surreptitiously                                                   

through his eyelashes           to see

the mans vague      dark      and hooded

figure looking down

then walking away

When Pahn arises

 in the morning             there is

a homeless man

cooking brownies in a skillet

 in the middle of the room 

Pahn walks over to him          eating

the last of his own brownies   thinking

the man’s brownies are made with weed

and his own were not

and that the man

would like him to eat the hallucinogenic ones

but Pahn

 is happy not to be stoned

Part 15: PATRONESS OF THE SHY

Dimphna's Blog
Confidence
Fluid Riot
Ignored
Paranoid Schizophrenic and Demon Pinnacles
The Most Beautiful
A Father
With Djuturna Again
Small Dark Lips
The Zen Didgeridoo
Suicide Memorial
Eiriu's Pool
Self Realization
The Slightly Persian Family
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Dimphna's Blog

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Elongated
prostrate .....in a dry and cool position ....Pahn
arranges the apparition before him
..........trying to draw hue ............and meaning
from Dimphna’s spirit..........
........as evidenced
..........................in her casual words
.....................................pasted on the internet

..........He sees
..........a series of small
...............circles in a column
...........describing
..............her smooth
................small features
..............................and sleepy humility ...a certain
.........simple contentedness
.....without great force
........................or sharp edges ..........Her image
...................................a matte saint’s card
..................................of primary colors
..................dissolving
...................and reappearing
....................with his uneven sleep

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Confidence

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…Pahn
as a woman ...walks
in a bare
modern ...middle-class
hallway to the door
that he (she) has
forgotten how to open ...while
his (her) husband calls from the next room

“It’s Mother”

and Pahn muttering ...clears
the debris from the entry

.....................“It’s Mother” ........imagining
a small ...elderly ...ill-tempered woman

When Pahn turns
back from the door
he is a detective investigating a robbery…
…after inspecting the house...................................
Pahn walks ......................................
down another hall ............................
...................to a room like a children’s church

...................considering
a list of things that thieves might steal .........things
that could be sold for cash
jewelry.........
electronics ....
even ...paintings................
though he sees no artwork in the house

The list becomes...................................................
a collection of words that visitors
have found in envelopes ....and
.............taken with them as they left .....leaving
...................the discarded wrappers in the lobby by the

exit…

…Pahn has found
Ahnaheeta in the church .......leaning
over a plastic barrel of water
and when Pahn comes up to her
she stands up straight
and reads to herself
a list of attributes on the wall
and says
“you look into the bucket and
.............................it tells you something about yourself today”

so Pahn looks......................................................
into the bucket and considers.................
the schema on the wall.............
and sees that it has changed

He cannot know what Ahnaheeta’s schema was

The chart consists................................................
of a series of characteristics..................
with a numerical rating........................
for current levels .............and
he finds to his surprise........................
that he is
............................above all else
confident…

…Walking
through an oak savannah
along a road
at the bottom of an empty reservoir ...he marvels
that he is confident ...because
he had always thought
..........................that he wasn’t ..........and wonders

..................... “If it isn’t lack of confidence

then...............................
.............................it must be something else”
.

Fluid Riot

A young woman with long

dark               

curly hair walks                

out of a building in an old

suburban

strip mall        

across the parking lot

smiling at Pahn

in a town resembling his hometown

           They go

into a small store that still

glows with fifties puce          and

she takes him

into the back to meet her father

who is an old dark-skinned

man with short    grey

beard and hair

overalls          and

the shape

of Alfred Hitchcock    speaking

in that patient

friendly  

Louisiana drawl…

…Pahn is with Lisa Gay Hamilton

in a happier role

walking the sidewalk

up Santa Cruz avenue

to the grocery store

where the dark haired woman’s father

is having a dispute…

…a large group of fluid

generic rioters rush the old store        throwing

a green barrel through the door       and Pahn

fears for the dark-haired woman’s family         looking

 for a phone booth to call the police—        

he sees one booth by the store

but it is too close to the riot

so he walks back up the avenue to find

 another            with townspeople rushing past him    and 

sees the police are already coming      and

turning around        the crowd has already thinned

so         he walks back down

to the store again

to find the crowd

has gone…

…inside the store

with the dark-haired woman    he walks

                                                       into the back

              and down the stairs

where her plump                                                                         

 and friendly mother

is calmly

 sweeping the last

of the debris into the basement

 filled                                                                                

to a depth of two feet            with clear                              

green-tinted water             and Pahn                       

wonders how they will get it out 

He assumes

from the mother’s demeanor

        that there must be                                            

an easy drain                                                                       

Ignored

.

…walking in the door Pahn finds
a grayish
wooden room with
a row of windows on the far wall

There is a group of people ....forming
an irregular circle ....engaged in
some sort of meeting ...........that
does not concern Pahn ..........The group
seems to have
a left...............................
................................and a right
the left being closer ...and more familiar
the right being farther away and only vaguely
in Pahn’s view ..........As he encroaches
on the left side of the circle ...Djuturna
strides across the left lobe
and hugs him casually .......introducing him
to the left crowd

Pahn feels ...that Djuturna
is inhibited in this setting ...and yearns
hopelessly for more of her

He passes around the back side of the circle
along the windows toward the right
and finds Ahstrild ...staring out into the light
her hands on the lintel ......like a small child
and Pahn thinks
that she doesn’t see him ...intentionally
but as he approaches she says
“Hi Pahn”
without turning around
and he tries to engage her
but she keeps staring away
....................................fidgeting
like an unresponsive toddler
and he feels that she is still mad at him

after all these years
He moves on..................................................
..................past the strangers
............................................and leaves the room…

.

Paranoid Schizophrenic and Demon Pinnacles

…Pahn has eaten at a restaurant with Aiks

 in the town where he was raised 

He has tried to find a bathroom in vain 

He and Aiks

have started walking North

 through the waste area along the freeway

where he used to explore as a child 

but when they come to the place

where the creek used to flow into the city

he finds instead an unexpected mountain

with cliffs and pinnacles

Pahn walks with Aiks

along the freeway                                                   

with its ever-changing view 

As they round the end

of the mountain           they see               

unobscured

in the distance          

a broad       cascading macramé

   of water                                                               

                        falling    

 into a small valley…

 …Pahn and Aiks have descended                                 

                  to the river     that comes                            

from the falls                 

It flows      a deep      murky grey-blue

through a ruin of riverfront                                                

factories            where naked frames

of girders rise      from the water and the shore

There are

many swimmers here                                     

Pahn and Aiks

walk into the river                                                  

and swim upstream     weaving

around the beams        careful of their knees    seeking

the cleaner      lonelier lands upriver       where

 the water      flows over rocks      and is

clear to the bottom                                                         

Beyond the ruins

they come to a wild                                                           

and undeveloped landscape                                  

where they leave the river

through the dry

pastures                               

toward                     

a grove of pines            

 looking

for a place to camp

They come upon a couple      camping

with an angry 

                                 paranoid-schizophrenic 

                                                                friend…

… back to the river                                         

             where it flows                                     

 now over                                                 

        rocks                                    

         and gravel                                           

 in a dry valley

 of meadows and boulders

they find in the pools                                                     

giant     enchanted carp

And looking back

downriver             to the slower water                                         

they see

 the paranoid-schizophrenic    swimming

with a knife…               

…They walk back out

           behind the mountain

 toward the town

 to the ‘little girls room’

like a doghouse

 too small for Pahn           

that doesn’t even have

a real toilet

(although Aiks had used it first somehow)

so they  go back to the river

and swim downstream       imagining

the paranoid-schizophrenic

 following them 

As they glide   in the deep water  into the steel ruins again    

they pass a crocodile/dinosaur      whose back breaks 

the surface     and adds to their uneasiness    but looking

behind    to see      if anyone or anything

 is still following

 they see only

 a dog

  Aiks thinks the dog is after her

but Pahn sees

that it has a tennis ball         and only wants

 to play 

 and Pahn throws

 the tennis ball           

for it to fetch          

Finally      they return to the river entrance

where they turn to look where they have been     and see 

  in the distance

the mountain pinnacles            

in demon 

shapes                 

dancing

and singing

Pahn

 still needing a bathroom

walks into the adjacent field     and tilts over

a picnic table (as a screen)

but is uncomfortable                                                    

under the overhanging eyes

of the demon spires

The Most Beautiful

.

… Pahn has been wandering

He comes to a woman resembling
...................................Eealohna
She is sitting calmly

He sees her pale.......
and uneven skin........
brown hair ...He touches lightly
her wrist .....and face
saying

“you are the most beautiful woman”

she doesn’t know
that he is telling the truth
and kindly says

“you are sweet”

He understands
the fragility
of his position
and his fundamental
unworthiness

He knows
that he wanders
...................in his dreams
and
he knows
.................that he
won’t be able
to keep her..................
.

A Father

.

Pahn has crossed under the insulated wire at the boundary

of the map of his childhood yard…

…he is swimming
among icebergs ..........in deep
........and obscure water
...............................................There are
young people ..........around him
following
............................the poetry instructor

The water is dark .....at first
and cloudy..............................
then alternately......
arctic blue........................................
Pahn has a sense
..........................of a blue woman nearby

The water is not cold
and when
he pushes against ......a large iceberg
.....................................to see if he can move it

his hands...................................................
sink into slush............................

He pushes it
.................toward
...............the open ocean ........but worries
that it may

...................collide with a boat

He grabs another....smaller iceberg..............
..............................................to use.. as a float
....................................but when he pulls it
................beneath him
it begins to sink.......................
and when he rescues it
and brings it back
...........................................to the surface
it is an infant
swaddled in wet cotton

.............He starts to swim ...toward
............dry land .....but is caught
in a tangle of laces ...and shoes
on the feet of other students...................
stuck on another sinking chunk.....................................
of ice...........................................................................
and he has to free himself..................................................
with one hand .........as he holds
......................................the baby above water
with the other

.
..........Successfull

...................he glides
.....................................to the surface
.........................................................again

a father
.

With Djuturna Again

…in a small room

 like a sound studio

with windows…

           …into

a larger room             Aiks

is sitting engaged

in a task like knitting         and                     

Pahn is talking to her          friendly

as he turns

to Djuturna         

who is standing naked by

the bed engaging           Pahn

steps over to her saying

“lie on your stomach”

and she laughs

and lies as he has said

while Pahn drapes over her 

                 He feels vaguely

that he is moving

in and out of her

                but is unsure   if he is long

            enough to stay inside              so laughing

at himself suggests

“Sometimes it is better from the front” 

She turns over

like a spider    her legs

splaying wide           and holding out

her arms to embrace him

as he lies down                                            

on her                        

again

uncertain of his needs

Small Dark Lips

.

.....For a moment Pahn
......is sitting in the row
......of seats at the top
.....of a small theatre .....though
.....the seats face
................................the projection room
..........................................and not the screen

and the girl .....who
is Daphnis’ love
is by his side
....................................and Pahn is comfortable
.........as she becomes
...................................representative
.............of other small
........dark
........................young women
.................................like Ahnkahmna

They stand by the entrance...............
.........Pahn thinking
.................he has liberty
............to kiss .........and he leans
...............down to the changed young woman’s mouth

...................meeting loosely her lips

.................making
.........a cavern ........where their tongues
........search
......lonely

about...........

.