Ahstrild

          Resinous             cloudy
                              brown              eyes in cream     blowing
                                                                        white
                                                                          and blue
                                                               the ice
            of winds through knitted
                           wool      baking bread
small touch
pale eggs
                   a linen
                                             a bear   cushioned embrace

   lying low and rolling
       forest             lakes

         the small   bodies
               in wood    and stone

                felt           and brocade
 
                    yellow braid

      We
                                    climb

                                        on wind                   feather

                                          threading
                                                      sea gull

     butterfly
                      wings

                                                a multitude
                                                                of legs

                                           and fingers

                                                                  in the air

                                                               dry
                                                         far

                                                               cool

The Country Fair

.Pahn has driven by himself
to the country fair
                    in the afternoon
to buy books

As a small boy                          
he is standing among the stacks
 
                       He has been told that to be left-
                                 handed
                    like Hehrmess
his father               he cannot
have arms

Looking down at that boy
                      he is pleased to see that he is
armless
 
                                        unable to push away

But there is no one there

An adult                                                
who wants to be harmless would like to reach
                             and hug that child
                               but has to go to find his family…

…Pahn has gone away           and returned in the evening

Here in a dark       wooden room     Ahstrild
                   gives him her friend    before she leaves

Though Pahn has aged
         in these twenty years
Ahstrild’s friend        is still a teenager

They go to
                                 the ride

the one Ahstrild
                                    would have taken him on
They climb in                                                         
and the friend apologizes
                       that they can’t sit...next to
each other          

“They say it is too dangerous
when only two are in the ride”

It is hard to get into                     
the elaborate seat belts
that hold their thighs
and waists
and ankles

A young man joins them
   as the ride becomes 
     another wooden
                                          house

Pahn asks the man    what he has done in all this time
since he   and Ahstrild were young

And the man tells them
“I got a ride with a gentleman
and the car rolled”
                                                            (He is starting to cry)

“And it was a Cadillac”
                                                (He is falling apart
                                                like the car
                                                as it
                                                rolled)

“It cost so much”

There is nothing to be done

Driving again
                                  stopping
at the signs    with the brakes
         that so seldom
                              work on the hills…

…Egairia comes
                                     into the wooden house

Watching at a distance                                               
Pahn sees himself
greet her
He sees himself
talking with her   but   he can’t hear what they are saying
                         his view is grainy in the poor light
                              He can see she is serious...but not upset

She gesticulates
                                             like he does
maybe she shakes

his hand    and they both leave the room

.

.

Friend

.

A dialogue of smiles 
                              reflections
                                                   and responses
                                             of projected emotions
might mean
anything
from
                                        Athehna’s arthritic pains
    to Pahn’s
                               scrambling out
                                                        beneath his upbringing

A sharing of speech
thoughts set in front
                                         of their faces
                                    for approval
                     or impression
     might mean
     anything
     from
                                          his affection for her
      to her
                  need
                                                                for intellectual stimulation
 
              And when he dreamed
           of talking
          hugging
          kissing

           she liked the talking
          tolerated the hugging
             but said no to the kisses…

             …now
             Athehna has become Ahstrild
Pahn is with Penelopeya                                                     
He tells her of his time with Ahstrild—                             

                “We made love
                    way back then”

Penelopeya is shocked                                                 
even after all the time that has passed

“When could you have?”

she asks

And Pahn thinks                                                     
                         about all the times     when they were alone
and in his memory                                      
he can think of no time when they could have

although
in the minds of others                                                
it would have been easy…                            So Pahn went to work
sad                  
                 that it was so rare
        to find
                         love-making
                                 in his dreams
 
                          affection
 
              so seldom.

.

Otherworld Canyon

Pahn is by himself in a cabin

in his favorite otherworld canyon        looking

through private treasures

from his past with former lovers           He finds

a catalogue

of inflatable boats

and chooses two…

…He is with Aiks in a water store      talking

to a saleswoman

(who reminds him vaguely of Ahstrild)

They try out

boats in the flooded aisles

that lead to

open

water

 

They are trying        to decide among

the boats in stock

which two they should buy      Aiks

has chosen one       and Pahn

goes back to the cabin

to bring and show 

one that he has chosen

but Aiks points out

the flaws in his craft

and they choose another—

they try to determine if it has a motor

and Pahn is reminded

of another pretty saleswoman

he has spoken to earlier…

                       …at the sales counter    

Pahn has chosen a toy                         

boat full of chicken soup

The man at the counter gives Pahn

                   part of the carcass       but tells Pahn

                     he might want to throw it away

               to avoid the bones 

Pahn puts it in the soup

 anyway

saying                         that he always finds

bones in chicken soup

and he just spits them out

  

  Pahn bites into                                           

           the piece of carcass    and immediately

             finds small bones      which he spits

back onto the soup                            

        in a small pile                                      

and picks off

with his fingers…

…Pahn and Aiks are with Lakhehsis

in a theme park              or shopping center     they walk

 through gardens       and natural displays           At some point

 they are told      to move on      for some reason

by a female security guard    or employee—something

 involving water

 

Aiks and Lakhehsis go on ahead

and soon Pahn sees them

by a sycamore tree     growing out over a large pool 

with a ghost of Yahpehtos       Pahn joins them

and climbs the sycamore      where he breaks off dead 

branches 

The security person comes over       and tells Pahn

that he shouldn’t be up there   but Pahn tells her

that he felt compelled              to clean up the dead

branches in the tree

and that he is an arborist     so its OK 

She tolerates him                     and leaves  

Pahn sees from the tree      in the near distance

a beautiful pool

by a glass window

  of a building

 and walks there with Aiks 

 

Aiks becomes Ahstrild                                 

and comments on how      alluring the water is

and finally    as it is getting dusky      Ahstrild    says

in her girlish defiance

she is going in      even if it isn’t allowed 

Pahn imagines

how cold it is                  and says

that it reminds him of lakes

in the mountains

but what it really reminds him of

                        is a mountain

                      river

flowing

through granite

potholes

Ahstrild prods him    to go in

and finally         he decides to brave it 

Jake Gyllenhaal

and a friend   are sitting on a ledge

next to the window 

Pahn takes off his shirt

and wants    to throw it over to the ledge

but is afraid that  it will get

                                                    wet

 

He calls over to Jake                                                

asking him to make sure   that it doesn’t

fall in the water      and Jake

gets in  and swims

 into the middle 

Pahn throws his shirt

dipping it in the water in the process                          

and jumps in

 

It isn’t as cold as he thought…

…Later Jake                                                  

and friend      recount

trying to swim in an asylum/zoo

and looking for crazy women             wandering

 in their reconstructed habitats—

open

fields                

grassy pens

with casual

keepers…

…Pahn is in the store            in the building

behind the glass window                                          

and sees a series

of containers            like tennis ball containers 

with labels that tell the sequence of  who

        has shown whom    his cabin in his favorite 

otherworld canyon—Steinbeck

showed it to Claudette Colbert 

Claudette showed it to Clark Gable

and after a while

someone showed it to Aiks

and Aiks showed it to Jake…

…after the asylum

after the zoo

      after the swim

after Jake

and the store

but we don’t remember when

At some point      they are in

the city at night      on a road in Italy

 trying to find

a petrol station                                  

that Pahn remembers

                 in front of another building

and Pahn isn’t sure         what to call its color

if it is the red                                          

or the brown                        

or the orange                       

          of Max Lüscher’s color test …

Ignored

.

…walking in the door Pahn finds
a grayish
wooden room with
a row of windows on the far wall

There is a group of people ....forming
an irregular circle ....engaged in
some sort of meeting ...........that
does not concern Pahn ..........The group
seems to have
a left...............................
................................and a right
the left being closer ...and more familiar
the right being farther away and only vaguely
in Pahn’s view ..........As he encroaches
on the left side of the circle ...Djuturna
strides across the left lobe
and hugs him casually .......introducing him
to the left crowd

Pahn feels ...that Djuturna
is inhibited in this setting ...and yearns
hopelessly for more of her

He passes around the back side of the circle
along the windows toward the right
and finds Ahstrild ...staring out into the light
her hands on the lintel ......like a small child
and Pahn thinks
that she doesn’t see him ...intentionally
but as he approaches she says
“Hi Pahn”
without turning around
and he tries to engage her
but she keeps staring away
....................................fidgeting
like an unresponsive toddler
and he feels that she is still mad at him

after all these years
He moves on..................................................
..................past the strangers
............................................and leaves the room…

.

Reunion

.

…having left the old mansion ...Pahn.................
considers the many outbuildings....
each constructed
.........of unique materials
...................by unusual methods
trying.........
........................to imagine the potential... that each
might have now
...............................he is especially intrigued
..........................................by a barn .....made
..............................................of cinder blocks
.............................laid unevenly
....................................on their sides ...and stuffed
....................................with brown mortar but
................................it is half filled with dirt
....and
the roof is gone
................................................so Pahn moves on…

.…Pahn is riding in a car with Ahstrild........
He is ..........enveloping her
...........................................with his hands
........................................his face
.........................................his shoulders
.........................He kisses
...................................................her forehead
She comments................................................
“You never touched me
when
we were young”

“I was too shy then”
He says ...and ponders....................................
...................................how easily
............................................his love shows now
............................................how easily
..................................she accepts it
....................................her head
.............................sinking ...into his chest
......................................her eyes
...................perpetually smiling
even her lips
staying with his

.

Their Cultures of Roots and Molds

…Pahn is lying in bed

with Ahstrild

He is comfortable    in the soft mattress

                                                 and white sheets 

 

He looks up adoringly                                             

at her round    full face    as she sits up playfully

                                                          leaning over him

                                   the covers sloughing off her back 

He wants to be nude with her                                    

and to pull her over his body

                                             like a blanket 

She is amenable                                

but gets up to do something first 

He takes his shirt off                                               

but she wanders out of the room

He thinks for a moment                                          

about her mother                               

                       who may be somewhere about the house 

He gets out of bed    and follows Ahstrild

                                                             into other rooms

while she attends to her tasks

 

                                                           After a while

she shows him the case in the hall   

where

beneath the glass and screen                                 

  there are stones                                                                     

     and small logs                                                                   

lying in earth                                                                        

or pans of water—                                                              

 

thin white filaments                          

creep up the edges of some

fleshy       

 patches                  

lie on others                                   

and some are like fine              

        fur                                        

                       

The molds are hers     she says   

the roots 

                                                         belong to her sister