Flying with his thoughts

Pahn has forgotten so much…

…he has been in a grocery store buying bread…

…he has been in the vineyard shop…

…he has walked out into the vines

He strolls    along the row of turning leaves   

carrying something                     

in his hands   

        or in his heart            

        or in his mind       it sometimes      

soars out over the vines    and

       up a hill

Small bodies

come to him     they waver

between spirits of girls    and young women

(sometimes they climb inside him

for what is in his chest)   

      he makes them wait     for one last throw        

He remembers this much

     

He looks down    at the object of his intent

which he has taken    from his body and mind

and set on the ground    with his hands                                 

and considers what he has learned

 

  The girls are waiting at the top of the hill—

he wants to go there and beyond

 

He lifts up his message

 into the air    

where

 it disappears and soon can be seen

again

high on the wind

as

a model plane

                  that wafts

and dives

unpredictably                                    

 

Pahn knows     that it is not reliable  

But as he considers    the things from his

hands

heart

mind             

lying on the ground                                  

while the young women wait on the hill

he comes to know                                  

that he may carry                     

 his messages    walking            

knowing

they will always be with him

 or                              

he can carry them                         

as he flies                   

but that is dangerous

because

he can’t control his flight

or                             

he can send them        flying                

by themselves              

         on the wind  

He may not know

          where they will end

but it doesn’t matter

                      because

 he doesn’t know   

who they are for

and it is not important

  if they are lost

so

he throws another message

into the ether

and follows it

up the hill to his girlfriends

            and children    

whoever they are

and on

he continues

to other            

heights

as if he

were 

taken along        

by the flying

 thoughts

Asking Dimphna's Kiss

Pahn is lying in bed

supplicating his dreams        to dream of

Dimphna         and to ask

her lesbian heart

if she would consider     kissing him

…

Pahn has gone east to visit

Dimphna

has let him stay at her house             He

  has slept on the floor     of a room     that is

only lightly cluttered    around the edges

 

It has the chill of a little-used space   and

 the subdued light     from shaded windows…

…Pahn goes with Dimphna    whom

he feels          he hardly knows

into a brighter room   where

 they look out north through

 the square panes at the yard  

They are standing       in a gentle light            

She is calm and relaxed                      

Pahn thinks                     

that she is being generous            

with her acceptance             

Turning toward her                       

to watch her full and silky face

with the reflection

of her red sweater     catching                

on her lips     he asks               

“Would you ever consider

kissing a man”              

 and

“May I”                   

He asks this

though he knows

her wife

is in the next room    and

he knows      that she has

rejected the aspirations

of other men   

She smiles wide       and warmly 

and for a moment

he thinks         that they are going to touch

their faces together

the coolness of her cheek

and her breath              bathing his chin

and retracting  again… 

 …but they seem to stroll outside

and he goes on to other friends…

Round Trip

…Pahn is banking

ascending

comfortably in an open airline                

looking down through

white clouds

and cerulean gaps

toward San Francisco                                                     

and the Pacific obscured                                                     

He turns

to his right

as the plane levels    and catches

 glimpses of the Diablo Range                                        

green from winter     and then                               

looks straight ahead

to the saturated                                                                

 marshes of the North Bay

   

The plane turns

and descends toward

the south hills of the peninsula                         

in the aftermath of rain

 

stratus         parting

 

and cumulus                                                          

                        rising around him…

…the plane careens                   

       past the cables of a bridge

and Pahn asks the stewardess                                         

“Is that the Bay Bridge?”

and she says “Yes                              

The Captain is taking us past the bridge”

…

the plane has landed 

Pahn realizes

 that he is not expected

 

There is no-one to meet him 

He walks through the terminals

looking for something

  

It occurs to him

that he might be dreaming     but

decides that he is not    because

he would never wonder

 in a dream if he is dreaming             and besides

he is so     in his body

 

He decides

that he can find his own transportation…

…he is standing by the curb

talking to Daphnis      who

is standing nearby

when Aiks pulls up

 in a car

unexpectedly

It takes him a few seconds       to realize

that he is no longer

looking for a ride

and then

accepts this new development

without questioning

Young Intruder

Pahn and Aiks are watching TV

Pahn hears    faintly

the sounds of the garden gate    the scrape

of shoes on decomposed granite    the crunch

of steps in pea gravel

He gets up from his seat

and looks outside     Through the window he sees

someone

walk back    to the corner of the yard

behind the Douglas Fir trees

He thinks    the person has gone there to urinate

Pahn goes to the door    and

says loudly through the screen

“That’s not a bathroom”

As the person turns around    he sees

that it is a young

dark-skinned woman

Pahn feels a little bad now           

that he reprimanded her    and

     begins to consider why     she

          has come into his yard    but

he still is uneasy    and locks the door

He sees her walk back

to the west    of the house    toward the gate

He walks    to the side window

to try to get a better look

at her           He looks

into the murky darkness    to the right

and then the left        seeing nothing     but

then she appears in front of him

and seeing him    she swings

her fist against the glass

He is afraid she will break the window         

and puts his hands against the pane

again and again

anticipating where her fists will land

She turns    and disappears                            

In a moment he sees her                                               

swaying on a swing    in the front yard

looking back

occasionally

to see if he is watching

He wants to go and hug her                

He wonders who she is                       

and why she

is wandering about the neighborhood             

in the middle of the night

He feels that something isn’t right     

She gets off the swing    and              

walks beyond his view

Pahn goes out the side door

and puts the lock on the gate   thinking                 

he will chide Daphnis

for having left it off

Looking over the gate

he sees the young woman

She has a sweatshirt on now    and a friend

is standing on the sidewalk    watching her

as she wanders around in the street

weaving

and circling

and finally

lying down

on the asphalt

in the middle of the road

as if feigning death or utter disregard

Of a Future Son

…like the neighborhood  

of the church      and school

of his childhood    

 the buildings are mostly brown

there are vacant lots   

with abandoned orchards

and large expanses of asphalt

mostly empty

Pahn has gone inside a big-box store

 not knowing what they sell

 forgetting

why he has come 

He walks to the back      dimly lit

through tall racks     widely spaced

of earthy dresses

The back half of the store

 is empty…

 …Near the front of the store                                          

 around a corner   from the entrance                              

he sees a small       but ample

milk chocolate

young woman      wearing black

   lying                                                                         

scrunched                                                                     

and expectant                                                  

in the dressing room                                     

and almost as if he has already seduced her

he comes in to her                                              

and lies beside her                                                  

pulling apart             her legs

but in his mind

he hears himself

telling his future son            how

he was conceived        in

the dressing room        of

a department store

and so

Pahn leaves on his pants                                   
                                       

lifting the young woman instead

 thinking to find a better venue

 then fades

into dissipation

 filtering                                

 through          the garments                                 

 into

 the ether

before

he even brings her

from the room

Reunion

.

…having left the old mansion ...Pahn.................
considers the many outbuildings....
each constructed
.........of unique materials
...................by unusual methods
trying.........
........................to imagine the potential... that each
might have now
...............................he is especially intrigued
..........................................by a barn .....made
..............................................of cinder blocks
.............................laid unevenly
....................................on their sides ...and stuffed
....................................with brown mortar but
................................it is half filled with dirt
....and
the roof is gone
................................................so Pahn moves on…

.…Pahn is riding in a car with Ahstrild........
He is ..........enveloping her
...........................................with his hands
........................................his face
.........................................his shoulders
.........................He kisses
...................................................her forehead
She comments................................................
“You never touched me
when
we were young”

“I was too shy then”
He says ...and ponders....................................
...................................how easily
............................................his love shows now
............................................how easily
..................................she accepts it
....................................her head
.............................sinking ...into his chest
......................................her eyes
...................perpetually smiling
even her lips
staying with his

.